Of job changes and more

I changed jobs. It feels a bit of everything!!Job chnages are like extra marital affairs.You know they are bad...........but something pulls you to better assets;)
I have a team to care of , and the young chaps are naughty but pretty interesting!!Hoping some nice times.
After the Mumbai seige, I have become very numb!!Dont even feel like saying anything.Who is listening anyways?Where is the world going?The country came to a literal standstill with teh TV in view for a motley group of young lads to loved their guns better than their books!! They killed people for reasons they best know, and we looked at the TV, called friends and relatives back in munbai and heaved a sigh of relief when we heard they are safe.Next day, we all went to work, smiled , shared joked and blamed the politicians. Thats it!!Our duties are over.
Three celebrated officers were lost.My neighbour with a huge grin " I am happy that I did not let my son join the army" she said.Yes , friends, we have displayed a champion's performance in selfishness this time around.Applauds!!
Peopel criticised and said " the policemen and politicians in this country are soooooo incompetent" over hot cups of chai and may be few round pegs and then slept in the safe comforts of their blankets , happy with the thougt that is time around it was not Bangalore or lucknow.But people died.they were killed. Innocent Indians, tax payers, family men, young professionals and even tourists.
I am angry. Cant write. I am sad ,emotions for the common man like dont enhance expression, they numb it.I am numb. Will somebody show me the light,please??

My Religion, My country and my being a part of none

What defines an individual? Is it the family, the profession, the religion, the status, the class, sexual orientation……….. or is it something that transcends above all the above and categorizes individuals purely on the basis of their being good , bad, kind, jealous,
Tolerant, intelligent and other human qualities. I do not know but what I do is that the second is indeed a difficult choice, in spite of being the clear favorite. Is it that we are born to classify people, match them to characters and put them in boxes labeled , blue, green or yellow………..or is it that the grouping makes life easy….
Why I chose to right today about something so vague is probably the reaction to what I am been hearing too much lately. All over the blog world people are writing about their religious and idealistic preferences. They justify why they are right and the other factions are wrong. They write to justify and counter arguments about their own faith system and ideals. On the whole the country and the world react to all the genocide, and the terrorism, and the crimes and the perversions by doing everything in the book but owning it. In my country Muslims and Christians blame the Hindus for dishing out unfair treatment, Hindus go on a rage and burn churches and kill people in order to prove their prowess. The glitterati covers their face out of shame at such violent behaviors, and the educated class voices out opinions at the rate of a super fast mail, during evening soirées and office lunches. You might ask, where I stand? I stand in the middle of all this and fail to link a single person to the truth. Not that I am a socialist or have a degree in public psychology. But I am a voter, and a tax payer, an Indian and a Hindu, and my voice is numbed forever because I support none. I am not a minority and do not understand their pangs, to my understanding I have known them as friends and neighbors and family throughout my life and so when they speak of differential treatment or stress on being as much Indian as any of the Hindus I feel that they are just stating the obvious. I do have nothing to do with the one who burns the churches and rapes a nun, and still deny feeling guilty about my religion, because of some sick group which does such abominable things.
I don’t feel that they represent the religion that I believe in but still in papers and in the voter card I am grouped along with them. I bow to my idols and fix a peg using the same two hands. I kiss my partner and eat the Prasad with the same mouth without any washing in between, and don’t feel any less Hindu.
Similarly I love all the so called meaningless cinema my country commercially produces with the same passion as I dig Felini or Polanski; love the mindless item nos no less than the ghazal, dadra or thumri.I love crying when Tulsi leaves home with the same intensity as when Aurelius dies in the “Gladiator”. My love for paanipuri equals my love for Au Gratin and I would love to see the North East as much as I would enjoy the Euro – Rail. I feel my being an Indian does not restrict me one bit to love or appreciate anything else in the world.

But I am still cornered. I am the bad, passive, spineless Hindu who has sold her soul to the west and my non-conformism is equal to blasphemy (in a lighter sense off course). I am also not much of an Indian too as I have not stuck to the culture of my nation and let my mindscape be invaded with flavors from around the world which I could not resist. Neither am I the revolutionary, because I can not sell this middle path I have been consorting because of the lack of contact, influence and money. So where does that leave me. It leaves me with one religion, the religion called tolerance which I practice with great dedication in everything I do. I tolerate my religion being maligned everyday and yet do not go and pick up a gun and kill a few. I tolerate hate and despise of the minorities and yet do not pick up a jhanda and give it back to them. I also tolerate being called a licker of the West by my own countrymen for my appreciation of various cultures and art forms around the world and for all you know tomorrow I would be sure to be called a “Niger” or a “Black Man” in some by lane of the so called west.

This was not meant to be a crib, it was meant to be a journey into self definition and a good one at it. I being no one and nobody I atleast enjoy one huge advantage. I don’t need to bend to any kind of conformism and live and life of constant justification in order to remain a part of a group. Till then, I am happy with my Hindutva which has given me a heart to love, a soul to bear pain and a head to think and act. I am as much an Indian with my capacity to deal with love and appreciate multitude, my love for food and movie star and the shiver down my spine every time I see the fluttering tricolor. Let their be peace with the rest that I missed.

My Religion...my questions!!

Where does a man stop another?
Where does stop playing the fool ……….
When does number define the rule
When does religion become stronger than the mother……..

Why does “Way of life” start killing others…….
Why does tolerance become a one sided word……….
How does genocide become the only playing card?
How does blind faith become our fathers?

When do you stand up for the right………
When do you know it is the time to fight……..

What do you do if none holds the light…..
What do you do when you have lost all your might??

A long Absence

How do you justify absence??As the lack of oppurtunity or the lack of will? I do not know. Probably some day I will find out. When I started this blog I did not want anybody to stop by. I wanted just myself to probably have a place to spurt out, a place to write and think and read years later and think again.But , after the initial few surges something went amiss. I had the time, the health and even thoughts that I wanted to scribble, but what lacked was probably the coherence of ideas and expressions that can be bared in (afterall) a public place.What did I do for the last 2 months. I fought with TB, and parents, and the beloved and tried my best not to fight in office. But today something just sparked off.
I was asked to write an article on fashion.Not quite a fashionista myself this was a difficult task.But then I did it.For the uninitiated , I am someone for whom fashion could be maximum defined by a tee with a weird slogan, but then I still tried. Wrote a piece about the fashion for the plus sized women .In a world struggling to reach a size zero yet not going anywhere I felt this would be apt and consequestial. However my friends did not think very highly of the result. They thought it was inappropriate for office environment.Now who decides that??If bustline is a bad word and "curves" generate a raised eyebrow then why even bother to take training sessions to educate people about sexual harrasment at workplace.Shhhhhhhhhhh , "Sexual Harrasment" is a filthy word!!When will this world change?and when will India??and above all when will the people in my office???
If there is a norm about the appropriateness of words that can be used in the office environment , and mind you I am not talking about the infamous cuss words, then there is a problem with the thinking and not with the words.Why is fat a good word and "curvaceous" dirty?Because it gives you dirty thoughts?Go and show a doctor people ,if you can not help but think of "sex" when you hear anything about a women's body. And if the reason is you dont want to discuss the same or read about it in the office, then why pray tell me why should you have a problem with a girl who dresses like a gunny bag and come to office , and why does the fair woman always get the plum projects?I demand an answer people.
Beauty is always coveted, in man and woman, in the kitchen and the office desk....an attractive good looking and smart entity always gets the cherry on the cake.So what is the issue and telling the "Not so there" to rise up , take notice and groom a little better, and know what their assets and and problem areas are?If the sole purpose of my assests are to be stared at by the so called "Moral obligators" in office, then God help.
I am angry today, have bluttered stuff............, incoherent, inconsequential and random.
If the above post made no sense to you , then I was bang on target and if it did , lets be friends:)

6 years past...............

sometimes I remember you,
the empty ice cream stall calls for your pocket money.............
the smell of rain swept dust , that i smell alone;
the half empty mug of coffee, the untouched first wine glass still full to the brim...............
the phone sits without a ring all night..........
the meaningless remixes keep playing repeat mode..........


sometimes I miss you,
when the old road, looks so different but still smells the same,
the old book suddenly opens into a page ;
a page, strewn with underlines...............
when mom scolds for long calls, and late night calls,
and forbidden calls...........still
the extra copy of "love story" goes to the old book store...........

sometimes I hate you,
when there is still a tear in the eye,
when ," casablanca" still brews moisture........
"We will always have our calcutta"
the city changed name, face and people............
all because you broke a promise..........

all because first loves are never meant to be.............
all because love was never but the same............
and entrance exams comes only in the spring..........

Mother's Day : Confessions, promises and more..........

I have been thinking for the last whole week to write something about " Mamoni". My mother as I fondly call her. However some how just could not .....I had the time, and all the goodwill but somehow was not being able to translate the hundred things that came to my mind the moment I thought about her to an article.My Mamoni , has never been close to me until the last few years. I have alway's been my father's pet and have knowingly distanced myself from her on various occassions. Out of the two worst things I have ever done in life, one would be the not so pleasant behaviour that I subjected her to, all through my adolescence. I used to hate her.I have quarelled with her on every possible thing under the sun during that period." Hate " is too strong a word they say , but I use it still because today I dont want to cover up.She was never the hugging, caring kinds..........and probably that is what made me discount her so much in life and translate her lack of physical warmth to her Love, in whole.However their was a phase in my life where I was in a huge soup, I was physically and mentally broke( More of that later) and when I returned home after a long hiatus, I could not look at my mom. She had paled, and looked sick, just out of the worry, the sheer anxiety of whether I was alright. I felt the guiltiest that I have ever felt during that fleeting moment.That day I understood my mother for the first time in my life. I could fathom, the silent care and love that she has bestowed on me, her first born from the day I ever was. Never failed a duty, never missed a task, I could gauge the effort , the dedication and the selfless involvement this woman had made , just to bring me up and all that in return of being distanced every single time............I could read her so clear, her smiles and her tears, her frail body but strong mind , which had the strength to dedicate her life in entirety to me and my family, and never regret it.
From that day on, I have respected my Mamoni more than anybody else in this world, I know the damage can not be undone, but I also know that I can turn the world upside down today if it is for her.......I tell her everything that is happening with my life every single day, I feel one kind in my stomach if I do not get to talk to her on a particular day. I have grown up to understand, love and respect her. I dream to give you all that I can Mamoni, and I am working towards it. I love you and I am sorry. I wish I could rub those years of misconduct forever from both of our lives. I miss you Mamoni. I miss you everyday in this lonely city, in every small thing I do, every time I win a prize or everytime I lose a chance. You live in me, every day , every time i breathe in and every time I leave the breath.......I love you Mamoni!!I would have never been what I am, in fact never been at all unless you would have wanted me to be. You are why I am what I am!!Happy Mother's Day!!

Death of Surprise!!

These days every morning the first look at the newspaper opens to us a world of a amazingly desensitized herd called human beings. A man is killed, neighbours discover after a week, a woman is raped, onlookers pass by, a child is murdered ................eye witnesses deny any statement.And we the genteel discuss and read all this and more between sips of tea and bites of toast , complaining all the time " Oh my God, where is this country/world going to?".But how many of us , care to light a lamp for Tibet , or switch off our AC for a full day to save some power , or may be even take half hour out everyday to help the house maid learn A,B ,C.............
An accident on the main road, let me take the other way!! The neighbour girl being teased on road...............why do I care?? she anyways wears "revealing" clothes.I need to be on the top in office, have the best of cars and widest of the plasma, my child needs to go to the best school, and my housing complex should have a lot of greenery and peace. Farmers dieing..............I hope this does not stop the supply of organic rice to the Fab Mall next door, villages swiped of everything with river beds breaking, no food, no medicine, no water to drink...............as long as i go to pizza hut every second friday and get my scotch bottles from friend in the merchant navy , my "ooooooooohs and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahs " would be flowing for all my suffering fellow men.Is this what the system made us to be??Or is it the education ?? or is it just that the evil within ate way the conscience never to spit it out again.........
Surprise and shock are dead. the death has made way for a standard plastic sorrowful expression that stands for everything : mass massacre, child rape, inflation, farmer suicide , divorce next door and is practised by all diligently at breakfast tables with the newspaper in hand and dinner tables with the eye on CNN-IBN................every single day!!

Reflection in a murky afternoon...........

I did not go to work today...was not feeling too good .Was a little upset with the raw deal my office handed me out yesterday called " Hike and Bonus".......Was irritated with a lot of things....my luck, my situation, my inability to ass lick and also my inborn( i guess!!) tendency to get used and never say a thing.......So today morning was a morning of despair to start with. Consolation calls flowed in, so did sensible advices but what helped the most was a self cooked comfort lunch, followed by some quality time with self. I thought and thought a lot, tried to figure out what went wrong. They all said they liked my work , they all said I was good, I was popular and smart , was it just bad luck or bad times or both and then the confused mind went on and on until the time when it faded into the eternal "Why Me???" debacle ..............but at the end a very simple thing my grandma said made a lot of sense..........She quoted Ramakrishna Paramahamsa and told me the story of a man who was very upset and sad because he could not afford a shoe, he was barefoot. While he was wailing, the Teacher showed him a man who had no legs but was still not complaining.The story was too simple and ordinary , but it was so true. I crib about a "decent" payhike in a country where more than half of the people dont know whether they would be blessed with a square meal each day.It not about grapes being sour...........but actually I suddenly shuddered at how selfish I had suddenly become.Anyways what am I going to do with the money I get, after spending on basics and saving some? I am going to shamelessly flaunt the rest as clothes, or a car , or a perfume , a new book even, and may be do a token donation at an NGO to gain some feel good factor.
Even till college, I dreamt so big. Of writing to touch hearts, of speaking to ignite souls, of standing up for the right , of getting justice, of helping people , of holding hands....................3 yrs and all of that had just phased out??What a shame!!!I was thinking of things like stupid office politics and the surrounding dirt.........things I had vouched to avoid all through the formative years. Help me, I wanted to say myself. Help me help myself.I know I am strong and I would not give in.
I would strive to be a good worker and a good colleague but not at the cost of those simple values that I learnt in class one. I will be a good citizen, a good human first , and then try to grab that promotion.......................I would try to be as untouched as possible with the dirty games around and yet not lose touch. I would love my seat and my comp, and my office parties too, but still prefer the smell of the fresh rain-wet grass, the tattered poetry book and the old diary entries better.........Probably I would never have an audi but i will always have my barefoot walks on the green park, I would never have the best business solution at the board meeting but would surely have one for the poster in the candle march down the street. I will not have that pinstripe suit and gucci bussiness handbag but will still have the heartfelt smile tthat costs 100 time sand over of the suit and bag put together...........Touchwood God, I still love my Byron to their Bill gates........and my young Shelley still beats Steve Jobs!!Let the peace within prevail..........:)

Of People of me

Am I selfish or are they?? I sometimes very very hurt inside to see the world the way it is.I have been the stupidest girl around for years. Standing their and taking the shit. Cheats, hypocrites, and back stabbers I have seen them all and in plenty............Today I feel I have grown, I have matured over a period, become smarter, and can tackle with the not so nice elements..............what does that mean?? Have I become one myself , or have I just started feeling less for my own convenience. Was losing that innocence or sensitivity worth it??I dont know.....but feel hurt still nonetheless. These days I talk smart and look too. I have my sense of humour, wit and sarcasm, to impress people ready at the tip of the tongue............but this IS not the real me...........I am in a very foul mood toay and I do not know what ticked it off.. people or myself.............I still dont know most. The ones I call friendsmay be, dont understand them, cant read them, I am losing it somewhere.......................

Of friends and lovers............

The weekend was hectic........there were chores and unfinished documents, and friends invited with a promise of the most complicated of bengali recipes, and then there offcourse were the cricket matches. All in all , the weekend was spent indoors. Sometime during the weekend i had this strange phase which lasted for a couple of hours where I felt like calling an old friend I have stopped talking to. we have always had a complicated relationship. we have adored each other, and wished good but again have had huge difference of opinion regarding everything from poilitical views to movie preferences. At a point of time we had even thought of settling down together , but that did not happen(Thank my Lucky stars!!) because we both were quick to understand that we could not crack the happy couple code. I was thinking why is it that two people of opposite sexes ( or the same even) can most of the times not transition over relationships. What I meant was, inspite of huge examples of friends becoming lovers, why do in most cases they do not. Friends, lovers, husbands, ..............most of the times the sets overlap rarely. Friends are for fun, lovers for romance and husbands for understanding and security. Why does expectations judge and categorise most people in our lives into specific categories. I know this might seem confusing but this is something that I dont seem to understand.............I would get perplexed if one of my good friends propose me . My thoughts run haywire : Did I act inappropriate......but he is just a friend...........will the friendship be affected...........should I avoid him...................and ends up either in guilt or in pain of losing a friend or in accepting a decision to save a relationship............Now thats wrong...............infact any of the above are all wrong.........wrong to yourself, wrong to the other person.So what do you do?? Do you let the best man you have known not have a chance because he was a friend or you start seeing a friend as a partner because you knowl that the equations would still be alright??

FRIENDS....................

This afternoon I went our for lunch with my colleague and friend PD.It was her 2nd wedding anniversary and she gave us a treat.we had a nice peaceful time.While driving back I suddenly thought of writing about these people; my colleagues , friends, people who have defined my life and living so much. Lets take SS first. She is elder , a perfect mother and a perfect worker, this lady exemplifies grace, intelligence and patience. She has on more than one occassion given me the most sensible and sane advice, reprimanded me even and made me realise that there is always a logical and graceful way to handle things , even being a rebel can be done with grace. Next comes AM, what can I say about him. Funny, juvenile and always so filled to the brim with the most positive of vibes.My present partner in crime but sadly is going to get married soon. I just pray to God that his wife does not change him...Are U listening??
Next comes PD, SWEET...........thats the only word which can describe her, her voice, her demeanour, her nature everything is extremely sweet.Blame my limited vocabulary or excess of PEOPLE-ADJECTIVE association she personifies being sweet.next to RJ, I call her Guruji and not without a reason, calm , composed, poised, this lady sure knows how to carry herself. She is a lot that I am not and that makes her so very unique everytime.Next in line is my friend SK.Chirpy,bubbly, she and me had joined the organisation on the same day. A master of wearing sarees(If you read this do not wear them so often and give all of us complex .....ok!!), a friend I can tag to the terrace for a heart to heart any time of the day, she is the kind of friend every girl wants..........Cheers Sree. There was also the gorgeous SR, "the beautiful "as I call her, pretty and quiet.
Now that the office gang is done with I want to talk about SG, an excolleague, a friend and a sister. I was the first one to joke about all this brother - sister thingy going on during college. But after I met her i feel like she is so much like the sister i always wanted..........always with a smile, a warm and open heart, always ready to help , even my parents love her a lot.I miss you in office, madam........as i oft call her that.Last but the most is SP, the wild, stylish , sexy , and adorable. Being my best friend for the last few years .......this lady is my original prank buddy.we have spent hours discussing men on my old PG terrace, gone to the hippest of nightclubs with a total of 100 bucks and acted impatient at the gate stating that our drivers are always late , and then rush to the parking and take the two wheeler to zoom out, sneaking out and painting the town red in her activa at wee hours in the night.Together we have bitched about people, craved for things,committed mistakes, called ourselves stupid and may be ...........grown up and over all the wildness in the process but enjoyed every bit of it.
OK, i am done. One thing I realised ........it takes alot to write nice things about people ............I am oh so tired!1Now, that I will make all of you read the nice things that i had to rack my brains out, to write about you guys, I want the gifts and cash to be flowing.................ok!!Thats the deal........
The true though is that sometimes I hate them , sometimes I feel lucky, sometimes I feel like never talking to them ..................but on those rare occasions when I sit down and pray.....I say a little prayer for all of you. I love you guys!!

Once Upon a Time............

I have never been an internet friendly person. My relation with the web has been always limited to mails, google and wikipedia. I do not even remember, how about six months back all of a sudden I landed up into this blog while searching for something to read. And then I was hooked. She called herself Mad Momma, and wrote about her family and the world outside too. Her language was gripping and held me tight.Everyday even during office I could not resist reading her. It was not that she wrote about anything very unfamiliar........but there was something in the simplicity , the strength of her words that caught me.Through her I discovered several others and read them to my amusement and enlightenment( Now thats a strong word). I still remember the trepidation of sending her my first comment........without being a blogger and getting a reply!!It felt nice for sure.Simple joys of life I say. And then I decided I would write too...Not as good as most of the ones I read may be, but true nonetheless.
And here I start. This would be a journal of my life and issues and happenings around me that make me eager to express. It will about my baba and ma,My kid Bro, my amma(Granny)......My inspiration for everything that I am today.My friends at work, people who have shaped me and touched me in more ways than one and my friends outside , who have been partners in crime, sharing little smiles and little tears with me.....