Reflection in a murky afternoon...........

I did not go to work today...was not feeling too good .Was a little upset with the raw deal my office handed me out yesterday called " Hike and Bonus".......Was irritated with a lot of things....my luck, my situation, my inability to ass lick and also my inborn( i guess!!) tendency to get used and never say a thing.......So today morning was a morning of despair to start with. Consolation calls flowed in, so did sensible advices but what helped the most was a self cooked comfort lunch, followed by some quality time with self. I thought and thought a lot, tried to figure out what went wrong. They all said they liked my work , they all said I was good, I was popular and smart , was it just bad luck or bad times or both and then the confused mind went on and on until the time when it faded into the eternal "Why Me???" debacle ..............but at the end a very simple thing my grandma said made a lot of sense..........She quoted Ramakrishna Paramahamsa and told me the story of a man who was very upset and sad because he could not afford a shoe, he was barefoot. While he was wailing, the Teacher showed him a man who had no legs but was still not complaining.The story was too simple and ordinary , but it was so true. I crib about a "decent" payhike in a country where more than half of the people dont know whether they would be blessed with a square meal each day.It not about grapes being sour...........but actually I suddenly shuddered at how selfish I had suddenly become.Anyways what am I going to do with the money I get, after spending on basics and saving some? I am going to shamelessly flaunt the rest as clothes, or a car , or a perfume , a new book even, and may be do a token donation at an NGO to gain some feel good factor.
Even till college, I dreamt so big. Of writing to touch hearts, of speaking to ignite souls, of standing up for the right , of getting justice, of helping people , of holding hands....................3 yrs and all of that had just phased out??What a shame!!!I was thinking of things like stupid office politics and the surrounding dirt.........things I had vouched to avoid all through the formative years. Help me, I wanted to say myself. Help me help myself.I know I am strong and I would not give in.
I would strive to be a good worker and a good colleague but not at the cost of those simple values that I learnt in class one. I will be a good citizen, a good human first , and then try to grab that promotion.......................I would try to be as untouched as possible with the dirty games around and yet not lose touch. I would love my seat and my comp, and my office parties too, but still prefer the smell of the fresh rain-wet grass, the tattered poetry book and the old diary entries better.........Probably I would never have an audi but i will always have my barefoot walks on the green park, I would never have the best business solution at the board meeting but would surely have one for the poster in the candle march down the street. I will not have that pinstripe suit and gucci bussiness handbag but will still have the heartfelt smile tthat costs 100 time sand over of the suit and bag put together...........Touchwood God, I still love my Byron to their Bill gates........and my young Shelley still beats Steve Jobs!!Let the peace within prevail..........:)