Reflection in a murky afternoon...........

I did not go to work today...was not feeling too good .Was a little upset with the raw deal my office handed me out yesterday called " Hike and Bonus".......Was irritated with a lot of things....my luck, my situation, my inability to ass lick and also my inborn( i guess!!) tendency to get used and never say a thing.......So today morning was a morning of despair to start with. Consolation calls flowed in, so did sensible advices but what helped the most was a self cooked comfort lunch, followed by some quality time with self. I thought and thought a lot, tried to figure out what went wrong. They all said they liked my work , they all said I was good, I was popular and smart , was it just bad luck or bad times or both and then the confused mind went on and on until the time when it faded into the eternal "Why Me???" debacle ..............but at the end a very simple thing my grandma said made a lot of sense..........She quoted Ramakrishna Paramahamsa and told me the story of a man who was very upset and sad because he could not afford a shoe, he was barefoot. While he was wailing, the Teacher showed him a man who had no legs but was still not complaining.The story was too simple and ordinary , but it was so true. I crib about a "decent" payhike in a country where more than half of the people dont know whether they would be blessed with a square meal each day.It not about grapes being sour...........but actually I suddenly shuddered at how selfish I had suddenly become.Anyways what am I going to do with the money I get, after spending on basics and saving some? I am going to shamelessly flaunt the rest as clothes, or a car , or a perfume , a new book even, and may be do a token donation at an NGO to gain some feel good factor.
Even till college, I dreamt so big. Of writing to touch hearts, of speaking to ignite souls, of standing up for the right , of getting justice, of helping people , of holding hands....................3 yrs and all of that had just phased out??What a shame!!!I was thinking of things like stupid office politics and the surrounding dirt.........things I had vouched to avoid all through the formative years. Help me, I wanted to say myself. Help me help myself.I know I am strong and I would not give in.
I would strive to be a good worker and a good colleague but not at the cost of those simple values that I learnt in class one. I will be a good citizen, a good human first , and then try to grab that promotion.......................I would try to be as untouched as possible with the dirty games around and yet not lose touch. I would love my seat and my comp, and my office parties too, but still prefer the smell of the fresh rain-wet grass, the tattered poetry book and the old diary entries better.........Probably I would never have an audi but i will always have my barefoot walks on the green park, I would never have the best business solution at the board meeting but would surely have one for the poster in the candle march down the street. I will not have that pinstripe suit and gucci bussiness handbag but will still have the heartfelt smile tthat costs 100 time sand over of the suit and bag put together...........Touchwood God, I still love my Byron to their Bill gates........and my young Shelley still beats Steve Jobs!!Let the peace within prevail..........:)

Of People of me

Am I selfish or are they?? I sometimes very very hurt inside to see the world the way it is.I have been the stupidest girl around for years. Standing their and taking the shit. Cheats, hypocrites, and back stabbers I have seen them all and in plenty............Today I feel I have grown, I have matured over a period, become smarter, and can tackle with the not so nice elements..............what does that mean?? Have I become one myself , or have I just started feeling less for my own convenience. Was losing that innocence or sensitivity worth it??I dont know.....but feel hurt still nonetheless. These days I talk smart and look too. I have my sense of humour, wit and sarcasm, to impress people ready at the tip of the tongue............but this IS not the real me...........I am in a very foul mood toay and I do not know what ticked it off.. people or myself.............I still dont know most. The ones I call friendsmay be, dont understand them, cant read them, I am losing it somewhere.......................

Of friends and lovers............

The weekend was hectic........there were chores and unfinished documents, and friends invited with a promise of the most complicated of bengali recipes, and then there offcourse were the cricket matches. All in all , the weekend was spent indoors. Sometime during the weekend i had this strange phase which lasted for a couple of hours where I felt like calling an old friend I have stopped talking to. we have always had a complicated relationship. we have adored each other, and wished good but again have had huge difference of opinion regarding everything from poilitical views to movie preferences. At a point of time we had even thought of settling down together , but that did not happen(Thank my Lucky stars!!) because we both were quick to understand that we could not crack the happy couple code. I was thinking why is it that two people of opposite sexes ( or the same even) can most of the times not transition over relationships. What I meant was, inspite of huge examples of friends becoming lovers, why do in most cases they do not. Friends, lovers, husbands, ..............most of the times the sets overlap rarely. Friends are for fun, lovers for romance and husbands for understanding and security. Why does expectations judge and categorise most people in our lives into specific categories. I know this might seem confusing but this is something that I dont seem to understand.............I would get perplexed if one of my good friends propose me . My thoughts run haywire : Did I act inappropriate......but he is just a friend...........will the friendship be affected...........should I avoid him...................and ends up either in guilt or in pain of losing a friend or in accepting a decision to save a relationship............Now thats wrong...............infact any of the above are all wrong.........wrong to yourself, wrong to the other person.So what do you do?? Do you let the best man you have known not have a chance because he was a friend or you start seeing a friend as a partner because you knowl that the equations would still be alright??

FRIENDS....................

This afternoon I went our for lunch with my colleague and friend PD.It was her 2nd wedding anniversary and she gave us a treat.we had a nice peaceful time.While driving back I suddenly thought of writing about these people; my colleagues , friends, people who have defined my life and living so much. Lets take SS first. She is elder , a perfect mother and a perfect worker, this lady exemplifies grace, intelligence and patience. She has on more than one occassion given me the most sensible and sane advice, reprimanded me even and made me realise that there is always a logical and graceful way to handle things , even being a rebel can be done with grace. Next comes AM, what can I say about him. Funny, juvenile and always so filled to the brim with the most positive of vibes.My present partner in crime but sadly is going to get married soon. I just pray to God that his wife does not change him...Are U listening??
Next comes PD, SWEET...........thats the only word which can describe her, her voice, her demeanour, her nature everything is extremely sweet.Blame my limited vocabulary or excess of PEOPLE-ADJECTIVE association she personifies being sweet.next to RJ, I call her Guruji and not without a reason, calm , composed, poised, this lady sure knows how to carry herself. She is a lot that I am not and that makes her so very unique everytime.Next in line is my friend SK.Chirpy,bubbly, she and me had joined the organisation on the same day. A master of wearing sarees(If you read this do not wear them so often and give all of us complex .....ok!!), a friend I can tag to the terrace for a heart to heart any time of the day, she is the kind of friend every girl wants..........Cheers Sree. There was also the gorgeous SR, "the beautiful "as I call her, pretty and quiet.
Now that the office gang is done with I want to talk about SG, an excolleague, a friend and a sister. I was the first one to joke about all this brother - sister thingy going on during college. But after I met her i feel like she is so much like the sister i always wanted..........always with a smile, a warm and open heart, always ready to help , even my parents love her a lot.I miss you in office, madam........as i oft call her that.Last but the most is SP, the wild, stylish , sexy , and adorable. Being my best friend for the last few years .......this lady is my original prank buddy.we have spent hours discussing men on my old PG terrace, gone to the hippest of nightclubs with a total of 100 bucks and acted impatient at the gate stating that our drivers are always late , and then rush to the parking and take the two wheeler to zoom out, sneaking out and painting the town red in her activa at wee hours in the night.Together we have bitched about people, craved for things,committed mistakes, called ourselves stupid and may be ...........grown up and over all the wildness in the process but enjoyed every bit of it.
OK, i am done. One thing I realised ........it takes alot to write nice things about people ............I am oh so tired!1Now, that I will make all of you read the nice things that i had to rack my brains out, to write about you guys, I want the gifts and cash to be flowing.................ok!!Thats the deal........
The true though is that sometimes I hate them , sometimes I feel lucky, sometimes I feel like never talking to them ..................but on those rare occasions when I sit down and pray.....I say a little prayer for all of you. I love you guys!!

Once Upon a Time............

I have never been an internet friendly person. My relation with the web has been always limited to mails, google and wikipedia. I do not even remember, how about six months back all of a sudden I landed up into this blog while searching for something to read. And then I was hooked. She called herself Mad Momma, and wrote about her family and the world outside too. Her language was gripping and held me tight.Everyday even during office I could not resist reading her. It was not that she wrote about anything very unfamiliar........but there was something in the simplicity , the strength of her words that caught me.Through her I discovered several others and read them to my amusement and enlightenment( Now thats a strong word). I still remember the trepidation of sending her my first comment........without being a blogger and getting a reply!!It felt nice for sure.Simple joys of life I say. And then I decided I would write too...Not as good as most of the ones I read may be, but true nonetheless.
And here I start. This would be a journal of my life and issues and happenings around me that make me eager to express. It will about my baba and ma,My kid Bro, my amma(Granny)......My inspiration for everything that I am today.My friends at work, people who have shaped me and touched me in more ways than one and my friends outside , who have been partners in crime, sharing little smiles and little tears with me.....