Deliberation.........

During my adolescent days in Kolkata I used to be quite a dreamer. I dreamt of being somebody people would respect and recognize, somebody who would be an embodiment of all the values and cultural ethos the city and my family had stood up for. More than anything those dreams were about doing things for people around me; for standing up for those who could not by themselves; for touching lives. I wanted to be in a profession where I could touch lives, deliver smiles and be true. Real life however had different plans. I learnt through experience that the roller coaster called life is indeed the greatest leveler. It puts you in the situations where you realize that for all the talks of touching lives; you are but an ordinary, selfish, weak person whose primary objective would always be betterment of self and not others. Where I stand today is a two way path again.
The ruthless competition did the better of me and I came out a moderate success. I have a good job, a happy and supportive partner and a family to look up to. In short I have a little more than what is needed for a decent lifestyle in urban India. I am also in a position to plan the rest of the journey. Whether I would keep abreast with the competition, move from a comfortable to a lavish lifestyle in years to come, go for personal properties and accomplishments, or re-ignite the nearly dead passion of thinking out of the box and go for a social business or NGO and make a sincere effort of realizing my dream of touching lives! The choice is not easy, like any life decision. On one side lies the allure of a so called perfect life - of branded apparel and Saturday spa trips, air-conditioned sedans and a plush condo! Of children going to the best schools and myself cracking million dollar deals and growing business. The other side lies vast darkness, of a lifestyle that might not even be middle class, of a husband who might get tired and frustrated, of debts and red tape, and above all a scare of ending up with a very much possible shattered dream that could not consistently touch a lot many lives.
Blaming life and the society and lack of support and understanding might be able to justify my not taking the leap , but will it be ever able to erase the conviction I would develop about not being able to stand up for what I believed and wanted. I know there are a lot much stronger out there who have taken the leap, who have not cared about the allures and failures and yet stuck to their choices. Am I one of them, or do I just fancy to be? They say charity begins at home. The fact is that with that in a life spent with that belief, charity always starts and ends at home itself. The task of a care giver is never easy – being a good wife, a mother, a daughter, a daughter in law, a manager and a host gives you a kick. It takes away a good amount of energy and develops a dependency and feel good factor which is hard to let go. You feel that the moment you step in an arena of greater purpose that you are neglecting the homegrown responsibilities and that kills you. Society and stereotypical impressions about what and how women of your kind should be and behave does not help either. The role playing gets so much at you that the fear of being a bad wife or mother, does not allow you to think beyond. We are after all a silent servant of obliging to impressions! Time will tell the path I chose. In fact at this point this is the lamest and safest excuse that I could give myself to quieten the chatter within. I will probably start with a bit of each and try to balance out and then let situations take a call. Besides when we do anything which is to impact the greater community, even a motley bunch of people , there should remain no space for backing out or giving up. There is way too much at stake!
I started writing this incoherent piece thinking that it will help we weigh out options and settle for a distinct plan. The purpose has not been met. In fact I am more confused and frustrated now and I was before I started. However the will to fit this into a body of a write up forced me to think about a solution and that I have. Now I have figured out the most escapist route to take ; of leaving everything up to time, and let time take it’s call. I am not leaving my nest anytime soon , but will do some trips here and there just so that I stay connected with my dream. My business acumen taught one thing for sure . It taught me to create win-win situations. And ahoy! Here I just created one ……One where I get my condo and dream stays alive too!